Where are You?

Lately, I have been having a hard time. A very hard time. I can't exactly put my finger on what has been wrong. Maybe it's the major hormonal change I am going through, but I somehow feel it is so much more than that. I feel as though I have been suppressing feelings for too long and I want to break free. I want to throw this rock that feels like it is smothering my life. I want to kill this snake that is squeezing every bit of joy out of my life. I want...

...people to stop being mean to each other.
...my class to stop talking so much and learn a little more.
...to have more money in our bank account and to be 100% debt-free.
...my husband home for dinner for more than 3 nights.
...to know every second of every day if my baby has a growing, beating heart.
...people to stop complaining about every little thing in life.
...sick children to be healthy.
...to just be happy.
...my close relationship with God back.
...to stop feeling so anger and bitter.
...to be incredibly happy that we are having a baby but I am so consumed with worry.
...to stop worrying all the time.
...to stop feeling so abandoned and distanced from God.

Yeah, that's where I am right now. I have hit a wall. I am paralyzed at how to overcome this wall.

I am smothered, tired, and worried all the time. I just want to be happy. I have pleaded with God to lift me up and carry me. I have begged Him to give me strength and comfort. I feel nothing. I am numb. In all honesty, I am angry at God and I don't know why.

I know 100% that it is not God, it is me. I have moved away from God. I have built this wall bit by bit. I want to knock it down and be back in my Father's arms.