Last weekend I went to the Women of Joy Conference and had a great time with my fellow church ladies. BTW, I LOVE my church and church ladies! On Saturday I could feel my anxiety starting to climb. Why? Because I knew I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. The last three appointments (my regular 4-week check-ups) I have experienced a lot of anxiety right before I go. This time was the worst. I felt like I was going to burst into tears all weekend. I tried to keep it together but I felt as though this anxiety was going to strangle me to death. Sunday night when I got home I lost it. I am TERRIFIED of going to the doctor and them finding something wrong with the baby, something wrong with me that could harm the baby, or finding no heartbeat. My dear, sweet husband prayed with me and stayed close all night. However, no prayers or hugs could seem to ease this anxiety because Monday morning it got worse. I had to know if my baby was OK. Like, right then and there. After making a phone call to the doctor (because I was seriously losing it) he assured me that everything was OK since I was not bleeding or cramping. I felt better about the baby but so disappointed in myself for not turning everything over to God first. So when I cried listening to Chris Tomlin's I Will Rise on the way to school Tuesday morning, they were tears of guilt. I prayed to God and begged for forgiveness then thanked Him for never leaving me. After that, it was all good. My anxiety was more at bay by Tuesday afternoon and I talked to the nurse who also eased my anxious thoughts (especially since I was sure my doctor thought I was an absolute mental case by then). I am so glad that I have such a kind doctor because I just explained that I couldn't go 4 weeks and not know if my baby was OK. So I asked if I could come every 2 weeks until I feel the baby move. He was fine with that. I was so relieved! I think I will be able to keep it together from now until the 19th. I do good until right before like I said. So we'll see.
I talked to my mom about this yesterday. I think I feel so anxious because I found out I was pregnant so early. I feel like at this point I should be showing more or something (even though I really know I'm not). I also feel that if I were to lose the baby I think it would seriously kill me. Which is reason for the guilt because I KNOW God will never leave me and He does give me things that I can handle. But, I'm human and I don't see the big picture like He does. I guess I have a hard time trusting with such a delicate issue. Crazy, I know. EVERYTHING should be turned over to God. No matter how small, delicate, or crazy the issue.
3 comments:
girl go to walmart and get a fetal heart monitor. They are 20 bucks and you can hear that sweet little heartbeat anytime you want! Graham and I used to just sit on the couch and listen to Addie's heartbeat for hours ( I know, weirdos!)! Best of all when I was really pregnant like 7 and 8 months I would wake in the middle of the night and not be able to get Addie to move, it was a LIFESAVER then, we would put it right on my belly and hear her heart! (It saved several trips to the ER too!)
I've thought about that. But then I have heard and read from other people how not to use one of those at home because sometimes they don't work and that can cause more worry. Something I don't need add to. Thanks for the advice though.
Yeah Meghan, I was advised not to get one of those. They don't always work or the baby may be laying a certain way to where you can't hear it and it freaks you out. Those are not like the heavy duty ones at the Doc. Believe me, your anxiety will get better when you feel movement. Yet, sometimes you don't feel them alot and then that freaks you out. I know how you feel, but just turn it over to the Lord. He will take care of you!
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